Leave me a comment and...
1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal so you can do the same for other people.

Well.  I made it successfully through last week with minimal tears and not as much stress as I was expecting.  Nice.

My little crossed on Saturday, and I am so so so so so so proud of her.  Seeing her in fresh letters was the best feeling ever, and made me feel like maybe I wasn't as bad of a big sister as I thought I was.

Eric left on Tuesday and that was a lot harder than I wanted/expected it to be, but that's ok.  Three weeks isn't that long, especially when I'm busy, and one week of that has already gone by.  It's also a lot less stressful to have your boyfriend leave when you are 100% sure that you can trust him, which was not the case with the last one.  Oop.  Apparently I'm getting something from him tomorrow, I'm excited.  I'm planning out the night that I go pick him up from the airport (Christmas Eve Eve).  It's going to involve Christmas decorations, Frank Sinatra, and dinner/dessert.  Also watching Rudolph, because that is my favorite Christmas show EVER.

It doesn't really feel like Christmas to me.  I wish I could stop stressing so I could enjoy this time of year.  Maybe next week?  Just need to get through these two papers...

Overall, I think I'm in a good place right now.  And wow there's only a week of class left.

So it is Thanksgiving break but I'm not really getting a break.  I guess this makes two years in a row... at least I wasn't making Oral Review notecards at the dinner table this year.  I have so much work due in the coming two weeks... gah.  I foresee a heavy lack of sleep in the near future, especially with our final week for TBS next week and Eric leaving on Tuesday.  Oh well.  I suppose I bring such things upon myself, so I'm going to break my oath to not drink soda and live off of caffiene for a while.  Things could be worse.

Thanksgiving was delicious.  Eric came down and ate with my family because his family couldn't come up to Laurel like they were supposed to, so that was nice.  He fits in well with my family... relieving and expected.  I ate way too much and feel like a fat pig but that's what holidays are for, no?  However, I discovered this weekend that I've gained 10 pounds this semester (essentially erasing all the time I did at the gym this summer and the 10 pounds I lost).... so that needs to change.  Immediately.

I'm going to NYC tomorrow to shop with my mom and aunt.  I don't know why I agreed to this, because I don't deal well with crowds, my mom will end up bothering me, I'm going to be tired/cranky, and I have an assload of work to do.  I think I'll just consider tomorrow my "break" from work and attempt to do whatever work I can without my laptop on the bus... we'll see how that goes.  If nothing else, I'm excited to just go to NYC.  While they easily overwhelm me, cities make me really excited, too.

All in all things are going pretty well.  I feel like I'm slowly but surely getting better as a joint officer, Ilana's doing fine with pledging, things with Eric are frighteningly amazing, and although I have a lot to do for the rest of the semester, I don't feel completely overwhelmed.  Also, my schedule for next semester kicks ass.  I might not be in the BEST place now, but I know that good times are coming =)

OH YEAH and I got second on the pep band list, behind Joe Marsala.  AWESOME.  Now I just need to decide whether or not I want to audition for the Cadets again... I think it'd be more trouble than it's worth, but I'm afraid I'll really regret it (again) if I don't at least try...

And now, back to massive amounts of work.  If only I could get the motivation to finish this MUED project tonight... then I'd be in good shape.

On Saturday, I hit the very, very angry post-break-up stage.  Absolutely livid.  Anger that makes me shake and feel nauseated and puts me in tears on several occasions and sends me yelling and stomping around Darin's room.

And you know what?

I feel so much better now.

I don't like feeling angry, really.  I get angry more than I should, but in general, it's not a very good feeling.  It makes me stressed and uneasy.  The amount of anger that I am containing right now is ridiculous.

But man.

I've been more productive in the past 24 hours than I've been in a long time.  I got up and went to the gym at 6 this morning with Ashley <3, practiced for an hour and a half before my classes, went to every class, went to my clarinet quartet rehearsal, and came home and actually made a delicious dinner, cleaned my room, and finished my homework.  I'm about to work ahead on some projects/papers.  I might even find it in me to take out the trash... mmm maybe that's pushing it.

I finally, FINALLY feel like my life is starting to get back together.

And now I'm sitting in my (mostly) clean room, which I redecorated with posters of New York/city skylines, and I'm listening to jazz, and I feel so incredibly relaxed and focused.  I haven't felt like this in so long.

An update on my life, in bullet form.

• School is busy.  I like my classes, for the most part.  Band sucks.  Music ed is pretty cool for once.  Wind orchestra is pretty cool when I don't suck at bass clarinet.
• I have a definite lack of organization in my life and this is becoming a problem.
• The more I see/wear my letter sweatshirt, the more I want to rip Ben's name off of it.  I feel like doing so would ultimately be a bad decision, but I've come really close to taking a seam ripper to it.  I hate not wanting to wear my sweatshirt, and having his name emblazoned on the sleeve just makes me want to punch a wall.
• Speaking of, I get to start going to group counseling.  I need to call the counseling center back, oops.
• I AM SO HUNGRY and I keep eating bad food and haven't gone to the gym and I feel super fat.  OOP.
• I think I might be getting sick.  I almost typed "sleep" instead of "sick."  I may also be getting sleep, I think there were a couple nights this week were I slept all the way through the night without waking up once.  That is a HUGE accomplishment for me.
• I've somehow gotten better at baritone even though I didn't practice at all this summer.  Sometimes I sound really damn good.
• I bought myself a 120 gb iPod and I love it, even though I at one time vowed to never buy an iPod.
• I have a completely inappropriate crush that will probably never ever happen, but it's nice to have a crush anyway.
• I've decided I want to move to a big city and teach inner city kids.  I kinda wish I could just pack up and move now, just get away from everything here and go somewhere new.  Ben told me that apparently moving to New York is one of the most soul-crushing things you can do.  I told him I'm used to soul-crushing.

There is a massive party going on outside.  I don't understand why, but it's loud and there are many people and a DJ.  Crazy.

FA08 has kinda sucked so far.  I mean, it hasn't been awful, but it certainly hasn't been great either.  Maybe I need to give it time?  But September is already half over...

Haha, iTunes just played New York State of Mind followed by New York, New York.  It must be reading my mind or something.

I really want some freaking Coldstone or McDonalds but then I'd feel really, really, REALLY fat.

Since when did I turn into that girl who doesn't get over things?

I feel like such a hypocrite, and for once, there is really nothing I can do about it... I've tried.

I'm conflicted about everything right now.  The semester.  People.  Emotions.  Priorities.

Oh well.

Help?

Dear Summer 08,

I will not miss you.  Not a little bit, not at all.  You were supposed to be great, and you did indeed bring some good times, but overall, you were awful.  Downright, utterly awful.  I'll give it to you though, you certainly went out with a bang... a bang that left me at the bottom of a canyon covered in a pile of boulders.  These last three weeks, man, you really did bring it in a bad way.

No love,
Amber



Dear Fall 08,

Please rectify the atrocity that was Summer 08.  Please don't suck.  Please help me get back to the place I was in Spring 08 in terms of happiness and satisfaction.  You start tomorrow.  I expect big things out of you.

Love,
Amber

I need to find a new hobby.  Maybe I should just read a lot.  Or pick up cross stitch or knitting.  Or go out and buy a ginormous puzzle and use the desk in my room for puzzling purposes instead of for school work.

Ben gave me my copy of The Great Gatsby back last night.  I think I'll read it again, in a week or two, when I can maybe stop associating it with how much he enjoyed it.  I love that book.  Hell, I even named my new cat Gatsby.

I got quite drunk last night.  I even gave my phone to Jackie before we got to the apartment.  Jason, Jackie, Nicole, and I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall and drank and everything was fine.  Ben and I had talked earlier and sorted some things out and Jason had even gotten me to eat some, and I was in a really good place mentally.

Until Ben happened to be on Gmail when I was.  Then things were not fine, because I decided to message him.

One step forward, two steps back.

Le sigh.

At least Michael Phelps is on tonight.

I haven't written in a while.  I think I'll write.

So I'm single.  Ben broke up with me on Monday.  Monday night was not good at all, and yesterday, mostly, was not good at all.  I have the best friends ever, and the best new friend ever.    He gave me no real reason as to why we broke up, and I didn't see it coming because we weren't having problems, so we are talking today and I am letting him have it, because it's not ok to keep doing this to people.  I am extremely hurt and feel very betrayed after finding out some things, and it's really just not ok to do that to people.  It's not ok to just throw away serious emotions like love because hey, it's no longer the "honeymoon phase", and it's not ok to throw away people the same way, to instantly become detached from someone who thought you genuinely cared about her.  It's not ok that even though I've (mostly) stopped crying, I can't eat because my stomach feels awful.  It's not ok that I have bad dreams about him.  It's not ok that he made me feel special and different, just like he apparently did to everyone else, when clearly, in the long run, I was not.  It's not ok that I gave... have given... my entire heart to him and that it is now pretty smashed, because I thought he, at some level, felt the same way.  It's not ok that I thought I could marry him, or at least spend a much longer amount of my life with him, and it's certainly not ok that he let me think that.  It's not ok that other people have experienced the previous sentence with him.  It's not ok that I put in so much time and effort, that I was such a good girlfriend, that I put up with so much shit because I love him and he loved me and I thought that really meant something.  What is ok, however, is that I will get to talk to him today and am barracading my door until he gives me answers.  It's ok that I'm going to ask him every question I've thought over the past two days and that I can get everything that's frustrating me or has frustrated me off my chest.  It's ok that I'm going to say to him and demand of him things that other people haven't been able to.

I feel so scared, hurt, and self-doubting even though I realize I did nothing wrong... but at the same time, I am so much more confident.  I will never let someone do this to me again because while our relationship made me feel absolutely fantastic sometimes, it also made me feel awful sometimes.  I will never let someone in so quickly, for better or for worse, because now Ben knows everything about me.  He has gotten inside of me (physically and mentally), and that is such a hard bond to give up.

And I know that I did nothing wrong.

So I'm worried that I'll never find someone to tell me he loves me or that I'm beautiful even though I rarely think so.  I'm worried that I'll spend the next year and a half of my life single like I spent the year and a half before Ben being single.  I'm worried that it'll be far too long until someone sleeps in my bed with me and cuddles me and tells me how wonderful I am, and I'm worried that I won't find someone who will make me believe that he loves me as much as Ben did.  I'm going to miss a lot of things about him, a lot of things about our relationship, but I don't have the time, the energy, or the strength to sit here reminiscing and being upset over it ending.  Especially not the strength.  One thing he said, in the 20 or so minutes he spent breaking up with me, was that I was strong enough to get through this and that I would be ok.  Am I strong enough?  Yes, but that doesn't mean it's not going to sap all of the energy out of me, or that it won't be really hard a lot of times, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

Fortunately, I have the best friends in the world who have very quickly made me realize that I am for the better.

And I'm putting on eyeliner and mascara today because I refuse to cry myself sick, or cry at all.

In other news, I got a tattoo last Thursday.  It looks fantastic.  It hurt like hell.

If I believed in God I'd say he hated me, dealing me the worst physical pain and the worst mental pain of my life, all in one week.